The apartment is quiet. Almost too quiet. After several years of helping take care of my grandmother I have become used to her needing help in the middle of the night, her listening to the television too loud. She recently fell again, and after a brief stay in the hospital was transferred to a nursing home. She will be there for almost two weeks, at least. The doctors say she only has six more months to live. How am I dealing with this? If you go by the Kubler-Ross model, I am currently in stage 2: anger. I am angry that she didn't listen to me. The time I told her not to trust her daughter and granddaughter when they said they would start helping her if only they had her car. Or when they told her they would sell the car and use the money to get something that was better, then put the car in their name even though they didn't pay for it. Or when I told her she should get up and walk around more. But especially this last time when I told her she needed to go for a check up and again didn't listen.

      And here I am stuck with the mess she left. All the things she has accumulated that are in boxes she hasn't opened in years that she refuses to get rid of. Piles of envelops she doesn't need but refuses to throw away because she thinks she has to keep them.  Even phone books she believes may actually come in useful. She may come back to the apartment, but I have to face the reality that sooner or later, the quiet that has sunk in will be permanent.

Waste of trees

    It’s been a generally tough week emotionally for me. Besides the stuff with my grandmother, there was one day when my self confidence went in the toilet. I just felt generally unwanted and like everyone else was doing so much better than me. I thought to myself, ‘I know I am not the only one with problems, but I am the only one with MY problems’. After wallowing in my self doubt for a while I pulled my head out of  my ass and realized that I don’t have as much as some, but I still have more than others. I have to stay positive, because I realize that the next few months are going to be tough for me, I won’t let myself be beaten down, especially by myself.

     On a lighter topic, I have continued to ramp up my running this month. The Hokas I bought are working really well for me. I am definitely becoming a convert to the maximalist running shoe movement. No more minimalist shoes for me! I have run in minimalist shoes before, I even ran my first marathon in a pair, but for me, I’ll deal with a few more ounces if it means more cushioning. I ran 10.6 miles the other day, the farthest I've run in several months, and the Hokas were comfortable the whole time. It was a bit of a challenging run though. It was hot, I peed in someone’s bushes because there was no bathroom around and I ran out of water so took some out of a random hose. The water was way too hot and tasted like rubber but I had to stay hydrated. Yesterday I went for two runs. Both a little over 5K, finishing the day with 6.8 miles.

The Hoka One One Clifton

     Saturday night I lay in bed, about to sleep, when a deep rumbling bass jolted me wide awake. A late summer thunder storm. For the next hour and a half I was outside marveling at it. The amazing strikes of lightening illuminating the sky, followed by the rolls of thunder. At one point I heard a pop and felt a sizzle of electricity about fifty feet away, so close that the thunder was instantaneous with the lightening strike. I covered my ears but it was still able to put a hurt in my ear drums. Car alarms went off all over the neighborhood. The rain started shortly after and I sat on the sidewalk, letting the warm drops pelt me. I thought to myself, ‘This is why I go on. When things are tough, and seem too difficult, this is why I don’t give up. Moments like this.’

Until next time my persevering readers, when things, and even life itself, become seemingly too difficult, remember,